Love & Logic advice from Dr. Fay

after a hard day.You need all the support you can

get to recharge your batteries and feel strong enough to

go back tomorrow and face another working day.

You are greeted with, “Hi, Honey. How was it today?

Where are your papers? I want to see how you did all day.”

“It was OK,” you reply. “I really don’t want to talk

about it. I’m really beat.”

“Well, no wonder you don’t want to talk about it.

Look at these papers. You can do a lot better than this.

Where was your mind today? You sit down right now

and we’ll go over these proposals you wrote and get the

spelling straightened out.And look at these paragraphs.

You’ll never get promoted at this rate. I don’t understand

this.You have so much more potential than this.”

How long would it be before you find a more comfortable

place to go after work? “Who needs this?” you’ll

say.“I can find someone who can show me a little more

appreciation for my hard work!”

Many school-age children face this same situation

daily. They are greeted after school with,“What did you

learn today?” and “Where is your homework? You get on

it right now!”

Children are also requested to bring home their

papers so that the mistakes can be corrected. Even

though this is done with love and caring, it trains them

to focus on their weaknesses.

The problem faced by students is that they can’t

choose to go somewhere else after school. They can’t

avoid facing a replay of their daily failures. They must

return home and listen to whatever their parents have to

say. It is very difficult for a child to say,“Mother! Do you

realize you are training me to keep my school progress a

secret from you?” Soon they quit bringing home papers.

They make excuses and blame it on their teachers.“She

never gives me my papers to bring home.”

The next step is for the parent to go to school

demanding that the teacher develop some sort of foolproof

reporting method. Teachers are actually faced

with writing daily and weekly reports for parents. This

never provides a long-term solution because it addresses

the wrong problem. It also robs teachers of valuable

teaching and preparation time.

The real problem is that the child has learned that it

is unsafe to discuss school with his or her parents.

Rather than developing a reporting plan, it is much

wiser to work on the real problem—helping children

and parents learn to talk to each other in safe and supportive

ways.This solution works, and it lasts a lifetime.

You can teach your child to discuss school with you.

While you are doing this, you can also lay the foundation

blocks that will build a true winner out of your youngster.

times per week. Have them point out the best things

they did on their papers.

the reasons for his or her success.As they put these into

words, the reasons for the success will be imprinted on

their brain, never to be erased. They will start to believe

they are in control of their success.

only when they ask for your help. Let the school

work on deficiencies. Teachers have training to help

with the deficiencies in effective ways.

It will take the child a period of time to believe that

this is not just a new phase his parents are going

through. Look for the real benefits to show up in several

months or maybe during the next few years, depending

upon the child’s past history.

Love and Logic Solution:

2207 Jackson Street, Golden, CO 80401

©Jim Fay 1998 • Permission granted for photocopy reproduction. Please do not alter or modify contents. For more information, call The Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at (800) 338-4065.